


cradled breath, blooming petals

by nutteu



Series: Toast/Sykkuno [5]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, That's it, Vague Descriptions, they have a plant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-26 14:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30107175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nutteu/pseuds/nutteu
Summary: Sykkuno had a plant and toast was slowly losing his breath. [Toast/Sykkuno]
Relationships: Sykkuno/Jeremy Wang
Series: Toast/Sykkuno [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2149494
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	cradled breath, blooming petals

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the shortest thing i've written for this series as of now. i'm learning how to write shorter fics bc i struggled a lot with word counts. was supposed to post this only on the dc server, but got confused as to which channel i should post it (i'm bad with tech). if you're confused, it's because this is only a short fic i wrote to destress at 3am with no particular plot in mind lmao.

* * *

The plant was small, Toast didn’t event know what was the type, what it was called. The leaves were blue, the flowers green; he tried to ask and Sykkuno simply said, “Don’t discriminate, Jeremy,” and it was weird too because he didn’t say anything bad about it. Maybe Sykkuno read the lines of his face, the furrow of his eyebrows, the way he hesitantly tried to touch the petals. He didn’t ask anymore and just went along with it.

He didn’t know where Sykkuno bought it, but he went home one day, smiling sweetly at the small thing and carefully put it on the top of Toast’s working desk. He watered it diligently, talked to it each morning, and said shits that made Toast grit his teeth. Things like, “You’re going to bloom prettily, little thing,” or “You’re going to live for a long time with Toast here, okay?” or, his personal hell, “Don’t wither too soon, yeah? He’s going to miss you.”

He didn’t say anything about that either. He just hit the tiles in the bathroom, and Sykkuno would kiss the bruised fists afterward. Toast would hold him like the world was ending tomorrow, like he wanted to say that he hated Sykkuno, like he wanted to kiss each of his delicate fingertips and say that he couldn’t live without this man with his shy smiles and eyes too clever beneath the soft slant of his lids.

So he let Sykkuno keep his weird plant on the top of his working desk, punched the walls when his heart hurt from all the words Sykkuno softly whispered to it, and caressed his high cheekbones with too much affection in his every touch.

* * *

The thing was, they weren’t lovers. They weren’t together in a romantical way—they were just two roommates who refused to accept the reality, in more than one sense. Toast was waiting the inevitable countdown when his family would ask him about his relationship with his girlfriend; Sykkuno was too stubborn in keeping his feelings under a tight lid. If he would just say something, _anything_ , Toast was willing to give up what he had to stay by his side. But Sykkuno was too kind for that, too afraid that Toast would be heartbroken. Ultimately, they didn’t talk about the future, because Sykkuno was right—the future held an inevitable heartbreak for the both of them.

Rae had long since given up about them. She had tried to reason with Toast about his situation, had screamed at both Toast and Sykkuno about them being selfish little pricks. Separately, together. She had grunted and gripped her hair in frustration when she put Toast and Sykkuno together in one room, and they had resolutely refused to look at each other, or to address the elephant in the room. They had agreed to a version of reality they would live with as long as they were together, and Rae had cried, had knelt near Sykkuno and said, “Please, don’t be like this.”

Sykkuno sled onto the floor next to her and hugged her tight and said, “There is no other way but this, Rae.”

Toast didn’t cry. He just stayed awake until the morning as Sykkuno hummed a song he didn’t recognized, lying his head on Toast’s chest as he played with the coarse tufts of his hair. He hadn’t washed his hair these past two days because he kept complaining that showers were too cold for him. Toast sighed and resigned himself on paying more water bill for all the hot water they would waste later when they showered together and spent too much time than necessary touching each other up.

They had stayed together for three years, had known each other practically their whole lives. He had never said how much he wanted to wake up to Sykkuno’s dumb face in the morning, or said how warm he felt in Toast’s arms, or told him he wanted to hold Sykkuno’s hand tight in his and never let go regardless of the reality. Sykkuno, for all that he was sentimental and soft, was just as cold in this matter—maybe even worse than Toast. It felt like he would slip away any moment, disappearing right in front of Toast’s eyes if he dared to blink just for a second.

Still, he kissed Toast like he was the storm, like he was a supernova, and Sykkuno would inevitably be torn to shreds cradled between his fingers. He held on to Toast like he was the last lifeline and Sykkuno loved life as much as he was ready to let go, to sink into the bottom of the ocean and be one with the void. He whispered things in a language Toast didn’t understand, words that didn’t feel like secrets, words that made his voice tremble and the smell of unshed tears fill the room at four in the morning.

They weren’t lovers and there had never been words of affection between them, but Toast put his heart in the fragile hold of Sykkuno’s withering ribs and felt himself settling into a home that he would never have.

* * *

“Toast, look!” Sykkuno excitedly said, pointing to the plant with a wide smile that crinkled his eyes.

Toast had just had a fight with his mother about his wedding. His girlfriend kept complaining about how Toast didn’t want to live together with her, and she had talked about this with his family. In a way, he understood that it was weird for a couple to spend this little time with each other as they did. But he couldn’t stay away from Sykkuno and he didn’t want to. He didn’t want Sykkuno to be gone when he wasn’t looking, without a single goodbye because the man would think it would just burden Toast even more. So he stood his ground, and clicked off the call without as much remorse as he thought he would have.

There was a new blooming bud on the plant, green petals shyly spreading under Sykkuno’s warm gaze. He was familiar with that gaze. Sykkuno always, _always_ looked at him like that. How was Toast supposed to just pack up and leave, when he couldn’t breathe right if he didn’t have Sykkuno’s brown eyes looking at him like Toast was everything he had ever prayed for to God? He didn’t believe in God, neither of them did; but if there was still someone out there who listened to his unsaid prayers, he just wanted a little more time to spend like this. With Sykkuno and his weird plant, in an apartment that held every little trace of their lives.

Sykkuno guided his hand to touch the flower, and Toast allowed himself a moment of heartbreak as he smiled at him. “It’s pretty.”

“Yeah!” Sykkuno said. “I mean, it looks pretty weird because the petals are all bent like that, but it’s still very lovely.”

Afterwards, Sykkuno spent his time too long in the bathroom as Toast closed his eyes and kept his tears to himself. When Sykkuno slipped back into the bed, he held him tight, uncaring if he hurt the shivering body next to him. “Please,” he whispered brokenly, mindless in his despair. “ _Please_ , Thomas.”

Sykkuno ran shaking fingers through his hair, voice hoarse and smelled too much of metallic tang. “I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Jeremy.”

He was pale and shaking like a leaf in the autumn, and still he held Toast like he was desperately trying to hold the broken pieces together. Like he was trying so hard to keep Toast from breaking apart even more. It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

The flower had fully bloomed in the morning light that filtered through the room, and Toast tried to remember how to breathe; tried to teach his heart how to beat right if Sykkuno wasn’t in his arms anymore.

* * *

The plant was moved into a bigger pot, and Toast tried his best to follow Sykkuno’s instruction as he put in soil and fertilizer. He laughed when Toast haphazardly tried to flatten the soil around the plant. He had put in too much, it seemed. Sykkuno waddled close to him and took out some of the soil.

“Give it room to breathe, Toast,” he said. “It’s good that we give it soil and fertilizers, but too much of them and you’ll essentially waste the resources anyway. It’s okay. This little guy is strong enough even if you don’t fill in the pot to the brim.”

He didn’t know if Sykkuno was talking about something else entirely, because he couldn’t read between the lines in this. But he sounded too sad for it to be just about the plant. So he put down the small shovel and kissed him, dirty fingers marring the smooth skin. Sykkuno opened up like a flower blooming in the sunlight, uncaring of the traces of dirt Toast left on his cheeks.

“What am I gonna do with it if you’re not there to tell me about fertilizers and shits?” he asked, so close their breaths mingled together.

“You’ll learn how to care for it,” Sykkuno said easily, too many convictions in his voice. “Don’t worry. The little guy is pretty strong. It can survive while you sort things out, okay?”

He didn’t believe a single word, but he nodded anyway. “Okay.”

They had lied too much at this point; to their families, their friends, significant other, themselves. They had given up too much to live in this utopic reality where they foolishly believed they could live forever by each other’s side. What was one more white lie?

Toast had been long broken even before he had learned to accept to let go anyway.

* * *

Sykkuno had fallen in love with someone else, once upon a time. He was a taken man, and Toast had laughed out loud when he told him.

“You’re a fucking homewrecker, Sykkuno,” he had teased, and Sykkuno laughed behind his palm and stuttered out some denials. Still, it was ironically true that he always fell for people who weren’t supposed to be his, and people had fell for him all the same.

His fiancée had known about her partner fancying this young man with stutters in his words and smiles always hidden behind downcasted eyes and dainty fingers. She was disappointed, had come to Sykkuno to tell him to stop. But Sykkuno barely did anything anyway, so he easily agreed. It wasn’t so easy when the man came to him and had asked Sykkuno to be his. He had a fight with his fiancée, and she agreed to let them have this _just_ until the marriage.

He was happy, he told Toast. But it was painful at the same time. Not because of the inevitable end, but because the man had loved him too much to accept that one day he would have to let Sykkuno go. That one day Sykkuno would be gone and he couldn’t do anything about it. He was heartbroken from the reality and Sykkuno decided to leave.

“You’re going to leave me too?” Toast had asked, and it was supposed to be another joke, another teasing. His words held too much fear and sadness for it to feel funny.

Sykkuno looked at him like he understood. He smiled gently and pushed a cup of coffee to Toast’s direction. “I will,” he said, “you know I will, Jeremy.”

“Why does it have to be me, then?” he asked again, and he didn’t know what kind of answer he wanted. Anything would feel too much like a thorn crowning his heart.

“Because you’re strong enough to accept that I will leave one day,” Sykkuno answered, and Toast knew he meant it in more than one sense.

He just nodded and drank his coffee. He liked his coffee sweet and Sykkuno knew it. But it tasted terribly bitter on his tongue this morning. Just like the reality, just like the inevitable end that crept closer and closer upon them.

* * *

The little plant was not so little anymore now. The leaves were lush and filling the pot nicely, the flowers in full bloom. It looked like a strange bouquet of blue and green and Sykkuno loved it dearly. At this point, Toast was convinced he cared more for the plant than he did with his own life, and that was a thought that had him punching the walls in the bathroom again.

Rae had called him again last night, asking about how they were doing, if they were okay, if Sykkuno could please listen to her because Toast had long since given up on making Sykkuno see logic.

“Toast,” she said, and she sounded so tired, so devoid of the fire she usually held in her voice. “You’re really going to let him be like that?”

“What can we do at this point?” he replied, and he knew it hurt her. It was supposed to hurt, for the both of them. “If this is what he wanted, then I’ll let him have it.”

“He’s so cruel,” she said, and Toast didn’t say anything as she sobbed softly from the other end of the line.

Sykkuno had bought Rae a red sweater, and made her a bouquet of dried leaves and flowers from his plant. It looked pretty, even in death. Rae would cherish it, but Sykkuno couldn’t give it to her directly. Toast understood why. It would only hurt her further if he gave them to her now.

“Did you make something for me too?” he asked, and didn’t want Sykkuno to answer it.

“Yeah,” he said, smiling. “A lot, actually. But you already have the most of them anyway.”

He chuckled and pretended that they were alright, that his world wouldn’t be ending soon, that reality wouldn’t crash so hard and left nothing but broken pieces of Toast’s heart in its wake.

* * *

It was a lovely morning when Sykkuno died.

There was another bud blooming on his weird little plant, and Toast felt like he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything but lay on their bed as he tried his hardest to cry. But the tears wouldn’t come and his heart didn’t beat in the right rhythm anymore. He thought that maybe he had been so accepting, so used to this inevitable end.

His heart was back in its own cage of Toast’s crumbling ribs, and he didn’t know if he wanted it to keep beating anymore.

They couldn’t do anything about it, and Sykkuno had long since accepted that fact. Toast couldn’t, initially. That was why he decided to push away any semblance of common sense and chased Sykkuno to the end of the universe just to have one more second spent in the same room, sharing the same breath. They had their time, their utopia, and he almost resented Sykkuno because he was the only one left to deal with the aftermath.

He didn’t attend the funeral. He had been attending every single step leading to Sykkuno’s death for the past four years, and Toast was too afraid of seeing Sykkuno’s pale, lifeless body being lowered to the ground for the last time. He didn’t think he could stop himself from following him again.

Rae had tried to call him, had left him too many messages. He wondered if the man Sykkuno had once loved had come too, if he felt the same crushing grief and loss and felt like he was the one dead instead, just like Toast. He supposed he might have. It might be good to have someone to commiserate with, but Toast wanted to have this on his own. One last day to spend in their little world they had built on lies upon lies and denials.

Sykkuno had left him sweaters and socks and stupid shirts. He had left him a bouquet of dries leaved and petals, too. He had left him a message—a simple, _I love you, Jeremy_. Words that they had never said, words that Toast held onto with bleeding fingers and heart that ached terribly in his chest. In his death, Sykkuno had left him some things, and taken away a lot in the process. His heart, his warmth, his body pressed close next to Toast, his smiles, his funny little laugh, his gentle words, his warm eyes, his life.

All Toast had now were memories and ghost of touches upon his skin, a bunch of knickknacks, a bouquet, a heartache, a weird plant that seemed to bloom in tandem to Sykkuno’s death—a life without someone he loved the most.

There was regret, of not pushing harder, of not saying those words back. But they had been so wrapped in each other that Toast had heard them in every touch and every kiss, had said them in every gaze and every breath. Sykkuno was the person Toast had loved more than the universe, more than the storm, more than the supernova.

He got up and walked slowly to the plant sitting pretty on his working desk, touching the leaves and petals with sure fingers the way Sykkuno had taught him. It really was pretty, despite of how strange it looked. Something that Sykkuno treated like an extension of his life, something that Toast would keep until it withered, until he withered himself.

The tears fell then, slowly at first, and then the heart wrenching sobs hit him hard in his chest. He keeled over, kneeling on the floor as he thought of every little moment, every little touch, every little smile. There was a tomorrow without Sykkuno, and Toast heaved a breath from the thought of it. His beloved darling, his utopia, his little plant that he was cautious of and fumbled with. His morning and night, a cradle of fragile ribs that had protected Toast’s heart for so long.

“I love you,” he said to the blooming flowers, to the blue leaves. _I love you, please, please come back. I love you_.

There was a life without Sykkuno, and Toast had to continue walking despite his heartbreak. He would learn how to live with this ache, a missing beat in his heart, gentle fingers no longer in his. Just the way he would learn how to keep his little plant alive, believing that it would be strong enough as Toast dealt with pain and grief and loss, with a bleak life of fulfilling obligations and love that he had never wanted.

Believing that splinters of Sykkuno’s soul would still live in each leaf, in each petal; waiting until Toast was alright, until they could be together again in the far off future, continuing their utopia in the certainty of death.

But in this lovely morning, as the universe went on without a care for Toast’s grief, he would stay here and mourn the love that he had lost. Surrounding himself with the last remnant of Sykkuno’s memories and warmth, whispering countless words of love that he would never hear; saying his farewell to a weird little plant that Sykkuno brought home one day, a countdown to his inevitable end.

_I’ll be alright,_ he said to the blue leaves.

He didn’t believe a single word, but Sykkuno was gone and life would go on and Toast _would_ live so he could take care of the last trace of the man he loved. After all, what was another white lie between a dead man and a man who had lost half of his heartbeat?

_Until we meet again_ , he thought and prayed to a god he didn’t believe in that it would reach the void.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> we're back to angst again boyeee. thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed this one too :D  
> also, i'll reply to your kind comments after i got some sleep, but thank you so much for the love you've shown for this series. you guys are seriously cool cucumbers.
> 
> don't forget to eat and drink lots of water. i'll see you all later kay? take care!


End file.
